Silent Meditation Retreat

I thought I was going for a 3-day meditation retreat in Mexico, but to my surprise, it ended up being a profound spiritual journey.

Mindset Going In

I went to the retreat to learn how to quiet my mind. Living mostly in my head, I often rationalize everything. Deep down, I knew this wasn’t how I wanted to live forever. I felt the need to still my mind and feel into my body more. I’d heard people rave about meditation’s benefits, so I started with Waking Up, doing 10-minute sessions sporadically. Even though it sometimes felt like a chore, I could see how active my mind was. Moments of calm were fleeting, quickly overtaken by life’s realities. I was drawn to the theory of mindfulness and non-duality, particularly the concept of looking for the looker and feeling headless. My mind made it a challenge to figure out, keeping me busy even during meditation. I went to the retreat hoping to experience this elusive state and learn more about non-duality.

Preparing for the Retreat

Some people asked about my intentions for the retreat, and honestly, I just wanted to get better at meditation, thinking it would be a useful skill. I didn’t have major issues weighing on me. I value growth, and the discomfort of being silent for three days excited me because I knew it would force me to grow. On the plane, I started reading The Power of Now to prime myself. This book shifted my perspective radically, opening me to the idea of presence, no-mind, and the huge role ego plays in our lives. It really hit me how time (past & future) is a creation of our mind. It also nudged me towards a higher power, a concept I’d been closed off to for a long time. Growing up with religion’s rigid rules, I abandoned prayer as soon as I moved out for university. It felt like a task without meaning. By moving away from religion, I also closed the door to spirituality, conflating religion with spirituality, God, the universe, etc.

Retreat Logistics

The first day was all about orientation, a four-hour session laying out the rules to help us go deeper within ourselves. No phones, books, music, mirrors, eye contact, or even smiling at others. Just existing with yourself, no outside influences. I was excited for the challenge and locked away my phone, AirPods, and Kindle. Meals were simple, vegan, and silent. We picked our spots in the meditation hall, which became our designated places for the entire retreat. The schedule was rigorous for the next three days but structured to support deep internal work:

• 7 - 9:30am: Meditation with a 10-15 min break in the middle
• 9:30am - 10:30am: Breakfast, I had signed up for the full meal plan
• 10:30am - 11:30am: Lecture from Claude, the retreat leader, on fundamentals and techniques
• 11:30am - 1pm: Hatha yoga, essentially meditation with physical movement
• 1pm - 4pm: Lunch and break - I needed a nap every day
• 4pm - 6:30pm: Meditation and introduction of different techniques (like lighting the embers in your heart, walking meditation)
• 6:30pm - 7:30pm: Dinner, all meals eaten in silence, no eye contact
• 7:30pm - 10pm: Q&A and a lecture from Claude

Meditation Guidance

1. Capture the Uncaught Mind: We started by counting each inhale and exhale up to seven, then starting over and continue to 14, start over to 21, etc. If the mind lost track, simply start again at one. Initially challenging, this technique gave the mind something to chew on.
2. Finding Stillness: At some point, we stopped counting and practiced finding the brief stillness between each inhale and exhale, a moment of peace.
3. Self-Inquiry: Focus on the “sacred heart,” asking repeatedly “Who am I?” This question is designed to peel back layers of identity and connect with a deeper sense of self. The sacred heart is the 1/8th of the heart that is on the right side of the chest. Claude mentioned researchers found that this is where the first part of the heart starts beating when babies are born. By focusing on this area, it became a pointer to get closer to answering the question.

Deepening Presence

The question “Who am I?” was powerful. It’s not a question for the mind to answer. Instead, it directs attention inward. Our thoughts, beliefs, and identities are like clouds in the sky, and the idea is that our true nature is to be the sky—the stillness. The retreat helped me glimpse the stillness and depth that lie beneath these surface-level distractions. On the last day, we were encouraged to meditate for two hours straight. Initially, I dreaded the potential physical discomfort, but the experience was transformative. I lost all sense of my body and found a deep, blissful stillness. It was magical, and I felt closer to a stronger realization of self than ever before.

Profound Shifts

After the retreat, I felt a significant shift. I was more present, more mindful, and I wished I could have extended my retreat to the 10-day version. Here are some takeaways:

1. Surrender: It feels strange to use the word “I” after realizing how much my mind creates who I am versus simply being. I hope one day I can feel the “Oneness with the universe” and lose this sense of self—it’s going to require surrendering the mind, identity, ego, etc.
2. Want to Do vs. Have to Do: Claude said something that stuck with me: “You don’t have to meditate; you should meditate if you want to.” Before the retreat, doing 10 minutes of meditation felt difficult, something I had to do. Now it’s become something I want to do. On the flight back, I meditated for an hour on each flight and felt an incredible connection to Bibi’s spirit. At some point in the meditation, everything went black, and I was lost in space, feeling a strong connection to something greater and to her. I want to go deeper into this connection. As a result, I’ve been finding myself meditating for an hour each day so far since being back this past week.
3. The World is Noisy: Returning to daily life was jarring after breaking the silence. The noise and chaos at the airport were overwhelming. I wore earplugs to manage the sensory overload and listened to my favorite songs with this incredible presence—it felt like I was hearing them for the first time. Zuri had always said my piano playing of “Still DRE” sounded like “Dance Monkey.” I finally heard the chord she was talking about. It was a wild realization of how present children are and how we lose so much of our presence growing up.
4. Embrace Impermanence: At my core, I glimpsed joy, a connection to something greater. This understanding helped me accept that happiness and sadness are two sides of the same coin. Accepting this duality has brought me peace. Anything I invest my energy into—kids, relationships, work—will bring happiness, but there will inevitably be sadness too. But the joy of being alive ideally stays present at all times.
5. Love: I felt a strong love for all beings—humans, nature, animals. I believe we are all “one”, and approaching everything with love and compassion feels right. After coming back, situations that would normally upset me, I could see with a fresh perspective. I feel less reactive towards Sonya, Moose, and the kids. With less resistance and ego, I feel a lot of inner peace.

I feel an incredible energy and aliveness. I am so grateful to have had this experience. I know this glow will wear off eventually, and I write this to remind myself of how amazing I felt right after the retreat. I will need to continue practicing to maintain and go deeper into this state. For anyone reading this, I appreciate you following my journey and thank you for being a part of my life. ❤️