Protocols for Parenting

This three-hour podcast on parenting was highly insightful. Here are my personal takeaways:

• Sturdiness: Parents, like pilots, are responsible for keeping their child ren safe. Sturdiness is the ability to connect with oneself and another person simultaneously. If a passenger gets upset (behavior) due to a change of plans, the pilot's actions (boundary) remain unchanged.
• Boundary Setting and Empathy: Parents should set boundaries and empathize with their children. They can establish limits AND connect with their kids' emotions. It doesn’t make the kids soft. A kids emotion can’t dictate a boundary. “It’s frustrating not being able to finish the show, I know that makes you sad AND bedtime is at 8pm so I’m turning the TV off”. Important to use “AND” vs “BUT”. But invalidates their feelings. It’s okay if they cry or are upset, that doesn’t change the boundary set.
• Empathy and Safety: Children care about “Am I real?” (empathy) and “Am I safe?” (boundaries). For example, if a child has a tantrum because a cheese string breaks apart, we should validate their feelings that it’s upsetting and reassure them that the world isn't falling apart too.
• Skill Development: Children have the same feelings as adults, but they often lack the necessary skills to express or regulate them appropriately. Their behavior reflects this lack of skill.
• Impact: Kids want to feel meaningful in their family. They are driven by that, so work with them to drive impact in the household.
• Difficult Conversations: During challenging discussions, it's essential to validate their feelings by saying, "I'm so glad we are having this conversation" and "I believe you". Validation of their feelings helps build self-confidence. Helps them believe that what I’m feeling is real.
• Repair: If you yell at your kids, they may get scared and blame themselves. “My leader can’t be bad, so it must be me.” Following an event like yelling, it's crucial to repair. “I’m sorry for yelling, and I want you to know it’s never your fault when I yell”. You don’t mess up your kid with events. They may deal with these emotions alone and that’s where trauma can happen. Repair and connecting is so important after an event. Trauma = it isn’t what happens to you, it’s what happens inside of you (Gabor Mate)
• Don’t be scared of feelings: Parents can feel like they're walking on eggshells when setting boundaries. For example, if a child always chooses the movie, let them know in advance that their sibling will be choosing it next time and you know they will be upset. “I will sit with you in your room while you are upset. I am not scared of your feelings.” Containing a tantrum in a room vs the whole house can be helpful to keep the tantrum from growing to a bigger thing.
• Positive Direction: It's easier to direct children towards what they can do rather than what they can't do. “Don’t color on the floor” vs “Let’s go find a paper to color on”
• Teamwork: Parents and children are on the same team. It’s not parent vs child = problem. It’s Parent + Child vs Problem.
• Frustration: Let kids experience frustration. It's a crucial part of building their tolerance and resilience. So important when it comes to learning too. You want them to love doing hard things. As adults, our capacity for frustration has gone down with tools like social media. We feel frustration, we get immediate gratification. So when kid gets frustrated, we may not want to deal with it. Important to not solve their frustration right away even though it may be uncomfortable for us.
• Noticing vs. Praise: Instead of praising, try noticing when they do something they were previously afraid of. “I wonder”, or “I notice” are effective phrases to lead with. Don’t ask questions that you know the answers to. “The thing I told you helped right?” vs “I noticed you did this difficult thing, what do you think helped the most?”
• Entitlement: Entitlement often stems from a fear of frustration. Increase the time they spend feeling frustrated to help them become more comfortable with it.
• Chores: Chores teach children that life includes mundane tasks. Don't attach rewards to chores; they're just a part of life.